One-Liners

WC Fields One-Liners

W.C.Fields King of the One-Liners

Enjoy and smile at our anonymous one-liners.

Don’t know who coined these sharp observations of life but I guess the authors have a happy sense of humor even if it’s a tad wry.

You’re very welcome to add your contribution to this list of one-liners. Fill out the contact form in the Famous Quotes page and send it to us. 

As W.C. Fields said “If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind”.

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  1. A blank page is God’s way of showing you how hard it is to be God.
  2. A bore is a person who brightens a room simply by leaving it.
  3. A bore is someone who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.
  4. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  5. A complete catastrophe includes not learning from the experience.
  6. A conference is a way of postponing a decision.
  7. A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
  8. A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see, and hits it.
  9. A good sermon leaves you wondering how the preacher knew all about you.
  10. A man is known by the company he avoids.
  11. A mind is like a parachute: it only functions when it is open.
  12. A person who has a right to boast doesn’t have to.
  13. A person who walks in another’s tracks leaves no footprints.
  14. A smile confuses an approaching frown.
  15. A steady salary is an invitation to mediocrity.
  16. A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
  17. A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense.
  18. A wise man knows everything; a shrewd one, everybody.
  19. A wish is a desire without an attempt.
  20. After all is said and done, more is said than done.
  21. All men are self-made, but only the successful will admit it.
  22. Always put off until tomorrow the things you shouldn’t do at all.
  23. An endurance test for some people is the pursuit of happiness.
  24. An excuse is often substituted for reason.
  25. As a rule, a quitter isn’t a very good beginner either.
  26. As every thread of gold is valuable, so is every moment of time.
  27. As you grow older, you stand for more and fall for less.
  28. Better aim at a star than shoot down a well; you’ll hit higher.
  29. Death and taxes may be certain, but we don’t have to die every year.
  30. Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice.
  31. Doing nothing gets pretty tiresome because you can’t stop and rest.
  32. Don’t give other people a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.
  33. Don’t wait for your ship to come; swim out to it.
  34. Don’t worry too much about what people think, because they seldom do.
  35. Don’t wrestle with pigs; you get dirty and they enjoy it.
  36. Education is learning a lot about how little you know.
  37. Education should include knowledge of what to do with it.
  38. Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
  39. Every person in the world is either a missionary or a mission field.
  40. Every survival kit should include a sense of humor.
  41. Few blame themselves until they have exhausted all other possibilities.
  42. Flowers are the poetry of earth, as stars are the poetry of heaven.
  43. Footprints on the sands of time are never made by sitting down.
  44. For people who like peace and quiet; a phoneless cord.
  45. Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.
  46. Free advice generally costs more than the other kind.
  47. Frustration is when you have ulcers but still aren’t a success.
  48. Go as far as you can see, and when you get there, you will see farther.
  49. Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable.
  50. He was a how thinker, not an if thinker.
  51. He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
  52. Hear the other side.
  53. Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had it.
  54. Hyperpolysyllabicomania is a fondness for big words.
  55. I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
  56. I wash everything on the gentle cycle. It’s much more humane.
  57. I’ll always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  58. I’ve tried relaxing, but – I don’t know – I feel more comfortable tense.
  59. If God is your partner, make your plans large.
  60. If at first you do succeed – try to hide your astonishment.
  61. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another, unless it’s neither.
  62. If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
  63. If people said what they thought, most conversations would be very brief.
  64. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
  65. If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.
  66. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.
  67. If you want a place in the sun, you’ve got to expect a few blisters.
  68. In a negotiation, he who cares less, wins.
  69. In every fat book there is a thin book trying to get out.
  70. Is life worth living? That depends on the liver.
  71. It is better to how nothing than to learn nothing.
  72. It makes no difference whether you win or lose until you lose.
  73. It seems confusing that narrow-minded people are thick headed.
  74. It was such a primitive country we didn’t even see any joggers.
  75. It’s easy to get lost in thought if it’s not familiar territory to you.
  76. It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
  77. Knowledge become power only when we put it into use.
  78. Knowledge is not what the pupil remembers but what he cannot forget.
  79. Live not for time, but eternity.
  80. Man has now conquered almost everything in nature except human nature.
  81. Many men boast of having an open mind, when it is only vacant.
  82. Misers make wonderful ancestors.
  83. Most people know how to keep silent but few of us know when.
  84. My mind’s made up – don’t confuse me with the facts.
  85. Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
  86. Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry.
  87. Never let your studies interfere with your education.
  88. Never mistake endurance for hospitality.
  89. No dream comes true until you wake up and go to work.
  90. Nothing of importance is ever done without a plan.
  91. Nothing relieves the monotony of a job like finding ways to improve it.
  92. Old mufflers never die, they just get exhausted.
  93. Old termites never die. They just get board and lumber on.
  94. Patience is what you require when the fish are not hungry.
  95. Patton’s Law: A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
  96. People who can agree on what’s funny can usually agree on other things.
  97. People will believe anything if you whisper it.
  98. Plan for today as well as for tomorrow.
  99. Plan in marble if you would work in stone.
  100. Plan your work. Work your plan.
  101. Punctuality is disappointing if no one is there to appreciate it.
  102. Reforms come from the bottom. No man with four aces requests a new deal.
  103. Regarding trade relations, most people would like to.
  104. Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies & to the john.
  105. Science opens to us the book of nature; comedy, the book of human nature.
  106. Secular education can make men clever, but it cannot make them good.
  107. Self-determination is fine but needs to be tempered with self-control.
  108. Silence is golden when you can’t think of a good answer.
  109. So far the only successful substitute for brains is silence.
  110. So near and yet so what?
  111. Some men go through a forest and see no firewood.
  112. Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
  113. Some people jump to conclusions while others dig for facts.
  114. Some peoples heads are particularly suited to handle empty praise.
  115. Some pursue happiness – others create it.
  116. Someday is not a day of the week.
  117. Sometimes we are limited more by attitude than by opportunities.
  118. Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for things nearby.
  119. Spellers of the world, untie!
  120. Stand still and silently watch the world go by – and it will.
  121. Strategy is when you run out of ammunition but keep firing anyway.
  122. Success comes before work only in the dictionary.
  123. Success is more dependent on the backbone than the wishbone.
  124. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  125. The beginning of wisdom is silence. The second step is listening.
  126. The best way to bluff is to keep your mouth shut.
  127. The biggest block to any man’s success is in his head.
  128. The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp.
  129. The closest anyone ever comes to perfection is on a job application form.
  130. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
  131. The fire of glory is the torch of the mind.
  132. The foolish and the dead are the only ones who never change their opinion.
  133. The hardest work is being idle.
  134. The heart of education is the education of the heart.
  135. The inability to make a decision has often been passed off as patience.
  136. The man who wakes up and finds himself famous hasn’t been asleep.
  137. The most effective answer to an insult is silence.
  138. The nicest thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
  139. The person who sings his own praise is probably a soloist.
  140. The person who thinks too little usually talks too much.
  141. The person with nothing to do always gives it his personal attention.
  142. The relationship of editor to author is knife to throat.
  143. The shortest distance between two points is usually under repair.
  144. The silver lining is always easier to find in someone else’s cloud.
  145. The tanned appearance of many Londoners is not a sunburn- it is rust.
  146. The two hardest things to handle in life are failure & success.
  147. The way to kill time profitably is to work it to death.
  148. The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the first to be replaced.
  149. There are so many ways of being a fool that it’s hard to avoid them all.
  150. There is a difference between a reason that sounds good and good reason.
  151. There is no right way to do a wrong thing.
  152. There is nothing like sealing a letter to inspire a fresh thought.
  153. Those who are afraid of doing too much always do too little.
  154. Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
  155. To err is human, but it is against company policy.
  156. To get nowhere, follow the crowd.
  157. To get to heaven, turn right and keep straight.
  158. To have more, desire less.
  159. To reach a great height a person needs to have great depth.
  160. Today’s mighty oak is yesterday’s little nut that held its ground.
  161. Torture the data long enough and they will confess to anything.
  162. Turn your stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
  163. We generally admire the wisdom of those who come to us for advice.
  164. What I said never changed anyone. What they understood did.
  165. What the fool does in the end, the wise man does in the beginning.
  166. When a person is always right, there is something wrong.
  167. When the going seems easy, you may be going downhill.
  168. When you don’t have an education, you’ve got to use your brains.
  169. Why is there so much month left at the end of the month?
  170. Wisdom consists of letting the non-essentials pass by.
  171. Worry takes as much time as work and pays less.
  172. You can lead a car to a highway, but you can’t make it think.
  173. You can’t steal second base and keep one foot on first.
  174. You never have to worry about contradictions when you stick to the facts.
  175. You’re entitled to your own opinion, even if it is wrong.

There will be more one-liners added over time – keep coming back to check it out!